The weirdest good luck charm EVER.

A friend of mine once commented that an exam "raped her ass so badly she should have brought lube." Since then, whenever we have a difficult exam coming up, one of us will often ask the other "Bringing lube?"

I had an abstract algebra final this morning. It's a notoriously difficult course. I called my friend while studying, and after talking about the material for a bit I asked her if she was gonna "bring the lube." She laughed and said she was--that she had a couple of packets and she could bring one for me if I wanted. I laughed and said "Sure!" and thought nothing more of it.

When my friend came into the exam room this morning and sat next to me, sure enough she produced a packet of "Liquid Personal Lubricant." I nearly died.

Coincidentally (or was it?), the exam went fantastically. So I'm taking this to the rest of my exams. It's my new good luck charm!



Don't mind the weird guy in the corner with the lube hanging out of his pocket.

He's not up to anything.

He's not a creep.

Honest.

Blogged with Flock

Dr. Science doesn't always have good timing.

I ran into a friend of mine yesterday for the first time in weeks. She was in a class with me, but that wasn't really working out for her, so she dropped the course.

She was teasing me because that course's final is this Saturday morning.

Friend: "Are you excited for your final on Saturday?"
Dr. Science: "Gah, hell no. Finals on a Saturday morning are the worst thing in the world."

Is was then that I noticed I was standing next to a Breast Cancer charity booth.

...d'oh.

I can only imagine the glare I got. I decided not to make eye contact.

Blogged with Flock

Flock!

I'm testing out Flock, the "social web browser."

It integrates Facebook, Myspace, Blogger, Youtube, Flickr, etc, allowing you to see updates, upload media, create new blog entries (I'm using its editor right now!), etc.

So far my most indispensable Firefox addons work (AdBlock and StumbleUpon), and others do as well I'm sure.

Ch-ch-check it out!

Blogged with Flock

Why aren't cats considered manly?

I really do not understand why cats are not considered manly. Dogs, instead, are man's best friend, while cats are seen more as a pet for a girl or woman. It is my opinion that not only are cats not a less manly pet than dogs, but that they are, in fact, more manly. Here are several reasons why:

• To pet, play, or interact with a cat in any capacity is to risk personal harm. Not just bodily harm, from scratches and bites, but also emotional/reputational harm from being injured by a small, furry animal.
• Cats are cold-blooded killers. What part of massacring a cute little canary with your bare hands doesn't scream "manly"?
• Cats don't take any shit from anyone. They're not going to be bullied or bossed around. They will stand up for themselves (unlike wimpy dogs)!
• Who's the king of the jungle? That's right, A CAT.
• Cats are easily amused and love to explore.

I feel bad for James LaBrie

Dream Theater is, in my opinion, a fantastic band. They are certainly four of the most impressive instrumentalists on the music scene right now, and that they happen to all be in the same band is even more impressive and has amazing results. Their mastery of their instruments is almost complete, and they love to mix it up with strange sounds, on long, oddly-timed, solo segments.

Which leads me to James LaBrie. He's another musician at the top of his game. A trained opera singer, he has a large range, and good voice control, and he certainly fits in with the other high caliber musicians. However, as noted above, they tend to go off on 6-7 minute off-time instrumental sections, or have long instrumental songs, so that kind of leaves him with... very little to do on stage.

I'm sure he enjoys it, and I'm sure his voice can really use the rest during concerts. But I can't help but feel a little bad for him. :(

Dr. Science's Recipe of the Week (March 29-April 4th)

I haven't updated in a while! There hasn't been much going on to talk about. However I have an idea for a weekly thing. Maybe that will give me incentive to update at least once a week.

Aside from being an accomplished Doctor, I am also a brilliant chef and general food connoisseur (also a daring crime fighter, world renowned acrobat, a master watchmaker, and a wandering rock star). So, every week I will post one of my favorite recipes.

This week's recipe: Campus Newspaper Surprise.

Required ingredients:

One (1) Large Bucket
One (1) Spatula
One (1) Large Stirring Utensil
Many (n ϵ N) Blank Newsprints
Others detailed below.

Before starting, you must acquire a quantity of complaining. You need enough to fill the bucket about halfway. This can be acquired cheaply and in large amounts by visiting a seniors' home and asking any resident there how the times have changed since they were young. Or perhaps approach a friendly mall goth and ask them politely to explain what is wrong with society.

Once you have acquired the complaining, you must obtain an approximately equal amount of pretension. This can be done in several ways. One way would be to attend an art gallery and ask the artist to explain the meaning behind some of their paintings. A much easier method, though, would be to find a local Mac user (check your local Apple store if you don't know any) and ask them to explain to you, in detail, why Mac OS X is superior to Windows.

Once you have these two crucial components, put them into the bucket. On a low heat, use the stirring utensil to mix the two for 45 minutes or until they form a consistent, irritating pasty substance.

When that is done, turn off the heat source, and, using the spatula, smear this paste liberally onto the blank newsprint. Don't be stingy with it! The more thickly you lay it on, the better your Campus Newspaper Surprise will turn out.

Serve at room temperature. Serves n.

EDIT: Clearly this did not help me update. Whooooops.

The science of male restroom design

The following are some scientific observations I've made regarding male public restrooms.

On the psychological side of things, simply from naturalistic observation while using a restroom myself, two males will hardly, if ever, use urinals directly adjacent to one another. If there is no other urinal available except one adjacent to another one that is currently in use, the normal "polite" thing to do is to use a toilet stall, or wait until someone finishes at the urinals. If one enters an empty restroom, one will also usually take the urinal with the least chance of having someone use the adjacent urinal. In the case of a row of urinals, this would be the one at either end--there's only one urinal adjacent to it. Otherwise, most will take the next best one.

So, if there are 3 urinals, only 2 will be used (the ones on each end). If there are 4 urinals, only 2 will be used (the ones on each end). If there are 5, 3 will be used (the ones at each end, and the one in the center). If there are 6, only 3 will be used (the ones at each end, and then one of the 4 between them. Any remaining urinals will be adjacent to one that is in use).

So, for optimal cost/usage, it is best to have an odd number of urinals, and the best that can be hoped for is that if the designer intends for nurinals to be available, then they will have to install 2n-1 urinals.

A way around this is to put a divider wall between each urinal. In my opinion this is much cheaper, and allows for n urinals to be used if n are installed.

Shovel, shovel, toil and trouble

Even on a doctor's paycheque, I can still only reasonably afford lodgings in a meager basement apartment. It's not large or luxurious, but it suits me quite well--except in one regard. If it weren't enough that I have to shovel out the driveway every day or two (particularly bad when we get heavily snowed on, like we did last night), I have to shovel a path up around the house to even get to the driveway.

After spending over three hours at it today, I have reached a conclusion: the shovel is not the best tool for the job. A flamethrower would be much quicker, easier, and more efficient at the job. No hard labour, just burning, intense fire. Flooding might be an issue, but water is much easier to deal with than snow!

Given the lack of precision a flamethrower has, not only would I likely not have to worry about shovelling, I would also not have a house left to have to pay rent for! Nor a car to buy gas for! And, I'd have a whole wad of insurance money, with which to skip the country before they find out that it's my fault my house burned down and my car exploded. Once I'm in Mexico, I won't ever have to worry about shovelling snow ever again. No siree, life will be grand; my only worries will be malaria and Hepatitis A&B.

Look out, USA! Here comes DR SCIENCE!

It is official! I will be visiting Amanda from April 25th until June 24th. That's two entire months.

I don't think I could be more excited.

Dammit, Jack. What did I ever do to you?

Sunday past I spent the night at a colleague's place. It was a good time all around, but I intended it to be one night. Nature had other plans, however. On Monday we got the blizzard that had recently torn through the North-Eastern USA, leaving a trail of corpses in its wake. I couldn't leave during the blizzard, and the next day the road conditions were so poor that even the buses weren't running, so I couldn't get home then, either. I didn't get home until Wednesday. WEDNESDAY. Gawd.

The worst part of all? I've become absolutely addicted to Diddy Kong Racing DS. And I don't have a DS. This will be torturous. I have been reading reviews of DKRDS, and they are mostly pretty poor. If they were going to rate it badly for its poor touchscreen implementation, then that would be one thing. But the major complaint seemed to be "it's not Mario Kart."

...

OF COURSE IT'S NOT! I mean, how dare it take a different approach to the kart racer genre, huh?

"This is the iWorld, and here I am a GOD."

I found this hilarious video on The Unofficial Apple Weblog and I just had to share it.




There are enough blogs and other venues covering the Mac vs PC issue, and I don't want to turn this blog into one of them, but while I'm on the topic I have a few things I want to say.

People on both sides of the issue need to relax. They are just computers. It is nothing to get so angry and upset over. And furthermore, any argument over which is "better" is ludicrous. Each has its strengths and weaknesses, and they even out to the point that it all comes down to what you spend most of your time on a computer doing, and which one you prefer. It's just a preference issue, nothing more. I prefer the Mac way of doing things. Other people prefer the Windows way of doing things. Other people prefer the Linux way of doing things (we call these people "geeks").

I would also like to talk a little bit about Apple's "Get A Mac" campaign, with the Mac guy and the PC guy. While these are good for a cheap chuckle, sometimes, in my experience all the seem to do is polarize people on both sides. Mac OS X certainly has enough good points that a successful ad campaign could be made around touting these, and I think Apple is selling their own software short by simply and constantly pointing out (overexaggerated) bad things about Windows.

So, really, in conclusion, PCs are for fart-huffers, and Macs get you laid.

Vampiranity: Nominations for Canonization

Canonization is the process of making someone a Saint. If Vampiranity is to be any kind of religion at all, it needs Saints. Rather than appoint them myself, in an authoritarian manner, I'm going to put it to a democratic, open vote. If you think someone should be canonized in the Church of Vampiranity, leave a short blurb in the comments of this post naming your nominee and giving a brief reason why they should be canonized.

People to be Canonized should adhere to the guidelines of Vampiranity, which I should probably declare, huh? Vampiranity is dedicated to compassion to living things, and the swift and horrible slaughter of the living undead (emphasis on this one). Anyone who follows these is fair game for Canonization.

I'll leave the nominations open until the end of March 2007. That's a long time, but I want to get as much input as I can. And, hey, Rome wasn't built in a day.

So, get nominating!

Hello, Mr. Jackass? There's a nice quiet library right over there.

I've been spending a great deal of time at the university lately. I have a big research report due tomorrow, and I've had to be studying for various exams--all the usual university fun stuff. Usually I have a break at noon, and I'm feeling a little hungry, so I decide to go over to the food court to grab a bite to eat. Noon is a popular time to eat. I understand this. I fully expect there to be few empty tables. Usually it's not a problem because after a few moments one will become available. If not, I can always retreat to some other deserted area of the campus and eat there.

What really gets to me are people who take an entire table (sometimes a table that can seat four people) to do homework. I'm not saying that you shouldn't be allowed to study or work in the food court. If you get some food, you have every right to read or work while you eat it. But when the tables are in short supply as it is, it makes no sense for anyone to be using one just for homework when people with food can't find a place to sit and eat. It makes even less sense when you consider that the building directly adjacent to the food court is the library, which has five entire floors of enforcedly quiet study space. Why would anyone want to study in the noisy food court, anyway? You can hardly hear yourself think.

Basically what I'm saying is that you have the right to take up an entire table when not eating, I have the right to stand directly behind you, read over your shoulder, and chew loudly with my mouth open while I do so. Got a problem with that? Then go to the library!

Valentine's Day: A Guide for the Single Person

I know it's not Valentine's Day yet, but I thought I would get this out the door early so that all you single people know exactly what to do tomorrow.

That sacred, special bond you share with the person you are in love with is almost definitely the most beautiful thing in existence. But, by the same token, a Ferrari is almost definitely the most beautiful car in existence. Would you walk everywhere just because you couldn't get a Ferrari? Of course not. That would be absurd. So just because you don't/can't have the most beautiful thing in existence, that doesn't mean that you shouldn't have something beautiful.

Here are some things that are beautiful and readily available*:

1. Sunsets


2. Rainbows


3. The beautiful and intricate patterns produced by a Spirograph™

These have some extra benefits, as well. Consider someone taking their significant other out for a date on Valentine's Day. It's Valentine's Day, so flowers are an absolute necessity. That will put you back about $50-$60. Chocolates (in a heart shaped box) will put you back another $20+. Then comes dinner. At a fancy, romantic restaurant, dinner will not be cheap. And if you're the type of person who pays for your date's meal (and you'd better be), then that will come to another $70-$80 minimum. This single date alone will cost you $140-$160. And then you have to consider the continued expenses of being in a relationship.

Sunsets are free and you can see one every evening. Rainbows are free and you can see one every time it rains. Amazon tells me that you can get a Deluxe Spirograph™ for $8.99 US. This is a small, one-time fee, and the Spirograph™ will give you beautiful patterns forever.

"But Dr. Science, can't people in relationships enjoy sunsets and rainbows and Spirograph™s as well as I can? Can't they even do it together?"

Yes, they can. But that doesn't diminish your enjoyment of it any less! And the only way that people in a relationship could enjoy a Spirograph™ would be if someone were dating someone with a Spirograph™. And let's be realistic here, they're not.

So in conclusion, just because you don't have that someone special to share your life with, you still have something! So chin up, and keep reaching for that rainbow!


*If you live so far North or South so as to experience 24 hours of darkness, or 24 hours of light, then it's doubtful you'll be able to see a sunset (or rainbows) very often. In this case, I recommend the beauty of igloos and aurora borealis.

If I were a combinatorics professor...

Combinatorics is the mathematical study of arrangements, selection, distributions, etc. Basically it boils down to "counting" how many ways you can do something. For example, how many ways can you seat 7 people in a line of 5 chairs? Or, how many ways can you pick 4 jellybeans from a bag containing 3 red ones, 4 blue ones, and 5 black ones, if you must have at least one of each color? These are the things combinatorics is interested in. These are the types of questions we are given.

These are... boring and lifeless.

If I were teaching a class of combinatorics, my questions would be vivid and funny! They wouldn't be boring.

For example:

1. James's belt is getting a little old. It is a little frayed and ragged. James estimates that he can get only 5 more spankings out of the belt before it breaks. In how many ways can James dispense swift and severe punishment to his 3 children?

2. a) How many ways can you seat 8 people at a round banquet table?

b) How many ways can you seat 8 people at the same table if Mary has found out that her husband Jim has been sleeping with her sister, and because of this she refuses to sit directly next to or directly across from Jim?

3. Brad's dealer has 7 types of drugs for sale. If it takes 5 hits of any combination of drugs to make Brad pass out, in how many ways can Brad stone himself to unconsciousness this Friday? Assume that the order the drugs are taken in matters.

4. Seven couples show up at a swingers party. In how many ways can the 14 people be paired off if at most 2 men can be matched up with their own wife?


Aren't these much better and much less boring?


ALSO: Bonus points to anyone who can answer these in the comments!

Two years.

I've been with Amanda two years now. I can't say this is where I expected to be in my life right now, but I can say I'm glad things are the way they are. It's been the best two years ever.

This may come as a shock to some, but one word can sometimes have multiple meanings depending on context.

"Evolution is just a theory."

If I hear that one more time I am going to scream.

Yes, evolution is a theory. But--hear me out--that's a good thing.

People who use this (very weak) argument are misusing the word 'theory'. They are using it in its colloquial sense, not in its scientific sense. There is a HUGE difference there.

Colloquially, a theory is a guess. In science, we call that... a guess.

Slightly stronger than a guess is a hypothesis. One arrives at a hypothesis after making some preliminary observations on the object of study, and using these observations to make a more educated 'guess' at what is going on. After a hypothesis is formed, one creates an objective experiment to verify or debunk the hypothesis.

Once enough information has been collected, and the experiment has proven to be repeatable (that is, anyone else could do the same experiment and get the same result), then the idea may be approaching the level of theory. A theory must be shown to be consistent, and, what's more, it must have considerable predicting power.

This is the key difference. Colloquially a theory is a haphazard guess about the cause of something. Scientifically, a theory is an explanation of something that is consistent, objectively verifiable, and can be used to predict future events. A scientific theory is a very strong statement.

If you're going to cover your eyes and refuse to see the evidence provided for something, that's one thing. You have every right to refuse to believe what we can see and instead believe something with no evidence for it. But if you're going to try to debunk this evidence, do it scientifically, not semantically. Learn about what you're arguing against, and who knows, maybe you'll find some key flaw in evolution, something that blows the whole thing out of the water.

And if you do? That's great! We'll find a better explanation! That's the beauty of science--if something is shown to be inconsistent or 'untrue', we'll throw it out and find something better.

But of course, that'll be "just a theory" too.

Weekly "Ok Tally" #1

One of my professors (let's call him Dr. Professor) says "Ok?" or "Mmk?" a crazy amount of times during one lecture. He is a great prof, very nice and great at explaining the material. I have no complaints about him at all. I just thought it would be interesting to count how many times he says "ok?" during one lecture. Here is the result! I may do this weekly, maybe not. We'll see.

Vampiranity

Though a doctor of science, I once decided to give religion a try. If some idea has billions of people following it, it must be doing something right, right? Given the part of the world I'm in, the religious scene is predominantly Christian, so that seemed to be the way to go.

Here are my thoughts on it.

If we're going to live our lives by a very old book with no evidence to back it up, why the bible? Sure the bible has its share of action scenes, people being turned into pillars of salt, cities being destroyed, etc, etc, but on the whole it's a little too preachy for my liking. And the boring parts way outnumber the exciting parts.

To this end, I've decided to live my life by Bram Stoker's Dracula. It's an old book, and it has no evidence at all for its claims, so it satisfies the criteria as I see them for a Holy Book. Also it has vampires, something the bible is sorely lacking. What is more badass than vampires?

After meticulously studying the holy text for the religion I am dubbing "Vampiranity", I have composed a list of Three Commandments:

Commandment the First: Vampires exist.
Commandment the Second : Always travel in sunlight.
Commandment the Third: Always carry a stake.

In Vampiranity, we believe that one of two things happen when you die. You enter a restful, endless, sleeplike state. Or, you become one of the living undead. Break any of the Three Commandments and you are at risk of spending eternity sucking blood and never seeing the light of day again. The death that comes from exposure to sunlight after undeath is much worse a fate than undeath itself.

Now, some might argue that we've never seen a vampire. Have we ever seen a proton? I have complete faith that the computer I'm writing this on functions completely without assuming that protons exist. And you can't counter that with evidence because faith means believing in something even when there's overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

Also, you can't say that Vampires don't exist, because that's offensive to my beliefs.